"Tell the Truth but be nice" Part 1 · May 17, 08:35 AM
Principle #4: Develop honest and loving communication with your partner.
“but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ” -letter to the Ephesians
INTRODUCTION: Communication skills are essential for the survival of any long term relationship. Without healthy communication, spouses will inevitably begin to drift off into to their own separate worlds. An accumulation of unresolved conflicts may result in the deterioration and rupture in a relationship.
Men and women communicate vastly different ways as well as different amounts. Some studies have shown that women tend to be much more verbal than most men. One study indicated that women may use up to 20,000 words in one day whereas many men may only speak 8,000 to 10,000 words. Of course these are generalizations and not rules. There are many quiet women (my wife) and many highly verbal men (me!).
Imagine what happens if a relatively non-verbal man has already used up his quota of 10,000 words when he arrives home. Perhaps his wife also used 10,000 words during the day. She is waiting for him at the door with a need to express another 10,000 words! Needless to say, the communication will be one sided.
Of course we are over-simplifying this and using a somewhat humorous illustration. The basic point is that communication is sometimes lop-sided or one-way between a husband and wife. If committed partners do not learn how to communicate adequately, unresolved conflicts begin to accumulate and eventually destroy the relationship.
Most men do not realize that communication is often one of a woman’s highest needs. A woman’s need for communication and affection are often as strong as or stronger than a man’s need for sexual gratification. Many women who fall into sexual unfaithfulness are not so much tempted by the sex, but rather by the need for someone to talk to who is thoughtful and considerate.
If men only understood how to fulfill the deep need their spouses have for communication, they would never need to worry about having sex! A wife who feels loved and cared for, and who has been able to communicate with her husband will very likely be sexually responsive. She also has sexual needs!
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Another angle on communication, which I’ve learned from years of doing premarital counseling: assertiveness is a GOOD thing. This can be misunderstood- “assertiveness” in the way I use it does NOT mean domination, intimidation, or controlling; it is NOT about “how to get your way.”
Instead, to be “assertive” means to be able to honestly say what you think, feel and/or want. It’s about sending a clear, accurate message to your conversation partner—who is NOT obligated to agree with you nor to grant what you may request of him or her. However, ,if you can communicate “assertively” and your partner can practice listening (which means receiving the message, not agreeing with it or granting it), it will really help your communication!
— Brian Emmet · May 17, 10:42 AM · #
Something that has really helped my husband and I also is meeting with an couple that has been married longer than we have and discussing major or reoccuring conflicts with them. Sometime it is helpful for someone you both trust to help you see a different side of the situation. I’ve noticed that when we are in the middle of the conflict my mind tends to become single focused and unable to see any other point of view.
— Amanda · May 18, 08:39 PM · #
I agree. Communication is one of the major things that keeps Jimmy and I on the same page. When our communication deteriorates so does our relationship.
— Jessica · May 18, 09:28 PM · #
I do not know about ten thousand words a day, but I know I am spent after using those up at work. However, my wife doesn’t nearly empty her word tank until she has unloaded her 10,000 or so words with me. In fact, she saves the most important ones for me. That is something I need to learn. It doesn’t only matter the quantity of our words, it’s the quality and use of them also. There, Joseph, is 250 or so words for you, my brother.
— Brian · May 19, 10:21 AM · #
This came from Tommy via email:
“Thank you Joseph I known that I need to communicate with my wife more, and take the time to hear what she as to say is also helpful. Taking time to her what your wife as to say and not just saying yes dear and your mind being some where else is also helpful, because that whey she knows that you are listening to what she has to say, and maybe the men well say more then just 10.000 words because you will have something to talk about. -Tommy”
— Joseph · May 19, 10:48 AM · #
You know, for a big part of my life I related alot more to the male perspective on things than on a female perspective. I wasn’t emotional, in fact I was very logical and tried to solve problems all the time instead of trying to talk them out. But I think I was denying a part of how I was created, maybe that is why I had so much bottled up stuff to deal with….
I recently recieved some healing in a sesion with Dr. Sam, where I was able to accept myself as a woman (to shorted it to a few words haha). I realize reading these posts that over the last two years, give or take,I’ve become more like a woman in my needs for relationships, talking, and letting my emotions out.
Lucky for me the men that are around me and close to me in my life, for the most part, are willing to sit and let me cry through my feelings, and talk it out with me =)
I guess maybe another part of communicating between a couple (at least from a woman’s point of view) is allowing us to cry, and realizing that you can’t “fix” it, we just need a shoulder to cry on for a few minutes, and be there for us…women express alot through tears =)
Sorry that ended up so long =/
— Ruth · May 23, 06:40 AM · #