Tell The Truth but be nice! - Part 2 · May 21, 05:00 PM

Differences between the way people communicate:

As pointed out in the previous section, it is too easy to fall into broad generalizations (or stereo-types). In general, most women seem to be more verbal than men—however there are many exceptions to this apparent rule. For example, I am much more verbal than by wife. I am the one that needs to download 20,000 words a day and she is the one that hardly uses 10,000. I like that about her. I needed to spend my life living with a woman who is a good listener, because I almost never stop talking (at least around her). One reason for this is the major difference in the way people ‘process’ their thoughts. Some people are external processors—which means that they ‘process’ their thoughts out loud. They need to talk about it in order to process it. Other people are ‘internal’ processors—my wife, for example. She needs to process quietly and internally BEFORE she says anything.

Differences between internal and external processors.

As one might guess, this can easily lead to conflict. Early in our relationship, when we were having a conflict, I would ask her a question (with some degree of intensity or belligerence) and she would not answer my question. Sometimes she would just get up and walk out of the room! I thought that she was ignoring me, but she was not. She was “thinking.” Since I cannot think effectively unless my mouth is moving (not totally true anymore…but it used to be true), I assumed that she was the same way. When I though she was pushing me away, she was actually just processing my question. Have you ever clicked on something on your computer screen and then had to wait on the little hourglass? It means “wait! Processing! Processing”.

I finally had to learn to ask my question and then go check my email and maybe do some yard work. In other words, I learned to give her time to process my question not to pressure her for an immediate response and not to take it as rejection.

At the same time, she thought that everything I said was a serious reality, in stead of understanding that, as an external processor, I was “thinking out loud” and trying out ideas—,many of which I would end up discarding at the end of the day. I would start talking about moving to Europe some other crazy idea, and she would nearly panic, thinking I was serious. Once she understood that I was “externally processing” ideas, not proposing serious plans, she was able to relax and learned how to help me process. That led to an improvement in our communication.

What happens if both partners are internal or external?

What happens if both partners want to talk all the time?

What if neither partner is very verbal?

Are you an internal or external processor?

What about your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend?

What can you do to improve your communication?

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Comment

  1. Well I for one am definitely an external processor and Sam is DEFINITELY an internal processor. At first it was a huge problem when he wouldn’t answer my questions right away. But in speaking with you and with Debbie and having more of an understanding of the way he thinks and processes information I’ve learned to just relax and give him more time and let him “think” things through before he answers me. I’m not going to lie, sometimes it is really hard for me to have him not respond to me right away, but it’s one of those things that i’ve had to continually change about myself and just realize that he’s different than me… and that’s ok!

    — Clare · May 22, 06:55 AM · #

  2. hmmmm…. I could have guessed that!

    — joseph · May 22, 03:18 PM · #

  3. What if I don’t know what kind of processor I am? I used to think that I was an internal processor, but then while I began working through depression and conflict, I became more internal…..now I just don’t know.

    Maybe I’m an introverted external processor? Something that LeRoy Curtis shared during my stay in Costa Rica is about this very subject.

    Internal and external is a very linear view on it. One also has to look at introvert and extrovert. For instance: Carlos is an introvert, and and internal processor, so is Debbie. Sarah is an extrovert and an external processor, much like Joseph.

    However it is also possible to be an extrovert and an internal processor, or an introvert and external processor, although not quite as common.

    Thoughts? Answers?lol

    — Ruth · May 23, 06:49 AM · #

  4. Joseph just explained it to me and we realized that Sam may actually be an extroverted internal processor. Although he may not talk very much he is always very aware of his surroundings and the things that are going on around him. I believe I too would fall into the category of an extrovert but unlike Sam I always feel the need to talk about the things that are going on around me.

    — Clare · May 23, 04:39 PM · #

  5. extroverts tend to be more focused on that which goes on around them. Introverts are more focused on their internal world: thoughts, principles, creativity.

    I have known several people who are introverted “external processors” ...you can always tell because they ignore you when you try to interject something into the conversation! They are too focused on their own internal thoughts but need to “think” out loud.

    — joe · May 23, 06:29 PM · #

  6. That would be me. I’m an introvert who thinks out loud.

    — John M. · May 23, 08:02 PM · #

  7. hey John…I was not thinking of you! You are very good in conversation.

    By-the-way, are you doing anything besides blogging lately?

    — joe · May 23, 08:55 PM · #

  8. I didn’t think you were thinking of me, but I do see myself there.

    Yes, I’m giving and grading finals at school. We’re on a schedule that gives some flexibility and more free time than usual. I’m still “working”, just not standing up and teaching six hours a day.

    You’ve introduced me to a whole new world that I’m really enjoying.

    — John M. · May 24, 10:09 AM · #

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