Friends For The Journey

When I was 19, I became a hippie and started a hippie commune in Providence, Rhode Island, and then again in a small farming town in central MA. I read Walden Two by B.F. Skinner and I was captivated by the idea of developing intentional communities where people could thrive and find fulfillment in relationships.

I had grown up in a small church but dropped out in my late teens. When I met Debbie, I also met some wonderful people of faith who were attempting to go beyond just “going to church” and were sharing their lives together and living in community. I remember telling my friend, “I didn’t know Christians could do that!”

Many years later, while doing my masters in Latin American Studies, I discovered that there had been a major social movement toward intentional communities of faith and social action in many places in the world in the 1970s: Korea, Brazil and in many of the Spanish-speaking countries — both within the Catholic Church as well as among some Protestants. After dropping out of institutional church several years ago, we now participate in a community of faith, with no pastors, no buildings, no names, no weekly meeting and no offerings —just friendships. Now we experience community on a daily basis in the natural course of life.

One of the most important aspects of the spiritual life is community. Below is a one-page summary of Rick Warren’s chapter 19 on “Cultivating Community.” I have also posted it on our blog, www.friends4thejounrey.com.

Community requires commitment.

“They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, the life together, the common meal, and the prayers” (Acts 2:42 Msg).

“You can develop a healthy robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor” (James 3:18 Msg.)

Because many people grow up in families with unhealthy relationships, they lack the skills needed for real fellowship.

Cultivating community takes honesty. It is important to lovingly speak the truth even if you would rather gloss over an issue. Most people have no one in their lives who love them enough to tell them the truth, so they continue in self-destructive ways. The tunnel of conflict is a passageway to true intimacy in any relationship.

Cultivating community takes humility. Pride destroys friendship faster than anything else. Pride builds walls, humility builds bridges. Pride also blocks Gods grace in our lives (1Peter 5:5). You can develop humility by admitting your weaknesses, being patient with the weaknesses of others, being open to correction, and by pointing the spotlight on others. Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. Humility is thinking more of others. Humble people are so focused on serving others, they don’t think of themselves.

Cultivating community takes courtesy. Courtesy is respecting our differences, being considerate of each other’s feelings, and being patient with people who irritate us.
“We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” (Romans 15:2)
“God’s people should be bighearted and courteous” (Titus 3:2).

Thoughtless words can leave lasting wounds. Being truthful does not mean being rude.

Cultivating community takes confidentiality. Only in a safe environment of warm acceptance and trusted confidentiality will people open up and share their deepest hurts, needs, and mistakes. What is shared in the group, stays in the group.

Cultivating community takes frequency. You must have frequent, regular contact with your group in order to build genuine fellowship. Relationships take time. “Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage one another” (Hebrews 10:25). We are to develop a habit of meeting together. A habit is something you do with frequency, not occasionally. You have to spend time with people—a lot of time—to build deep relationships. Community is not build on convenience but on the conviction that is necessary for spiritual health.

To experience true community one must commit to nine things: We will share our true feelings (authenticity), encourage each other (mutuality), support each other (sympathy), forgive each other (mercy), speak the truth in love (honesty), admit our weaknesses (humility), respect our differences (courtesy), not gossip (confidentiality), and make the group a priority (frequency). Looking at these nine things, it is obvious why experiencing true fellowship is so rare. Genuine fellowship means giving up our self-centeredness and independence in order to become interdependent, but it prepares us for heaven.

Point to Ponder: Community requires commitment.

Verse to Remember: “We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers” (1John 3:16).

Question to Consider: How can I help cultivate the characteristics of real community in my group?