Friends For The Journey

Principle #1: Leave your parents and cleave to your spouse

Genesis 2:24 For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

Matthew 19:5 and said,’ For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh’?

Ephesians 5:31 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.

INTRODUCTION: God created romantic relationships and marriage. His word is the handbook and owner’s manual. There are just a few biblical principals that can make a tremendous difference in our relationships if we apply them in our lives. The principle of “Leaving and Cleaving” is one of them. Whenever a scripture appears in the Bible more than once, the Holy Spirit is making a special emphasis. Whenever a biblical truth appears in the book of Genesis, it is one of the fundamental truths of God’s word. The principle of Leaving and Cleaving first appears in Genesis chapter two and appears again in the New Testament in both the words of Jesus and Paul. It opens to us a tremendously important biblical principle about permanent covenantal relationsips that we ignore at our own risk.

The first step in marriage is to leave your father and mother.
The top four causes of divorce are finances, sex, child discipline and interference or influence of the in-laws. Many marriages fail because the husband or wife fail to “leave” their father and mother. Biblically speaking, how do we leave our father and mother when the Bible also tells us to respect and honor them?

Changing Priorities

The issue is one of priority. The Bible is not telling us to cut off our relationship with our family, or to dishonor our parents — it is telling us that we must be released from their authority and commit ourselves to our spouse. Our wife or husband becomes our family — our spouse must become our first and highest priority!

In other words, if a man continues to prefer his mother over his wife and to put more priority on his mother’s wishes than his wife’s, he will damage his marriage and violate a basic spiritual law. In the same way, if a wife continually compares her husband with her father and runs back home to “daddy and mommy” whenever there is a conflict in her marriage, she will also damage her relationship with her husband and endanger the future of her marriage. Wise parents understand this and release their children to their new family. Wise parents will not interfere in their children’s relationship with their spouse. However, many times family members will unintentionally try to continue to control or manipulate a son or daughter and will eventually succeed in destroying their marriage and keeping the child dependent upon his/her parents. We must honor and love our parents, but firmly resist any efforts on their part to interfere with our new family.

Changing Patterns:

Another way in which we should “leave” our father and mother is to leave behind their patterns of relating and raising children. We all enter marriage with models of relationships what we have learned in our parents home; some good and some bad. We tend to carry these models or patterns into our new relationship with our spouse. Unfortunately our spouse also enters into the relationship with patterns and models from their childhood.

Chances are that even the good patterns we have are vastly different from our spouse’s patterns, since they were raised in a different family. In order to have a successful marriage, we must work together to choose and develop the model of marriage and the patterns of relationship that we both agree are desirable The negative patterns need to be removed from our minds. We can keep the positive patterns provide we both agree to incorporate them into our family life. Example of a negative pattern: Alcoholism and abuse. Example of a positive pattern: Family conversation at the table.

The second step is to ‘cleave’ to your spouse.

Cleaving to your spouse means making him or her the first priority. The traditional wedding vows include the words, “and leaving all others, will you cleave only unto him/her?” and the answer is “I do.” The choice to marry someone is a choice to cleave to that person for the rest of your life and to make their happiness and well-being your top priority, even above your own needs in many cases.

Cleaving to your spouse involves making her/him your priority, bonding to him/her and maintaining communicating with him/her on a regular basis. According to the book “Bonding” by Dr. Donald Joy1, there are 12 steps in the bonding process. It would be well for each of the marriage partners to learn these steps, especially the husband. Below are listed the normal steps in the bonding process.

1st phase: “Leaving” – (No physical contact)

1) Eye to body. (Non sexual admiration)
2) Eye to eye. (window to the soul)
3) Voice to voice. (Conversation)

2nd phase: “cleaving” – (First touch – not primarily sexual)

4) Hand to hand.
5) Arm to shoulder.
6) Arm to waist.
7) Face to face.
8) Hand to head.
9) Hand to body (not primarily sexual)

3rd phase: “One flesh” – (Naked and unashamed)

10) Mouth to breast.
11) Hand to genital
12) Genital to genital.

We don’t usually have a problem going through these steps naturally during courtship. The problem may come when there has been a rupture in the relationship or a period of separation. Women tend to understand this process intuitively but the man gets off the airplane after a two or three week trip and wants to go directly to the last step! Or after the first serious fight and three days of not speaking between a young couple during the first year of marriage, they make up and the husband wants to skip eye contact and hand holding and go to major bonding in step 12! It is worth the time to slow down and learn how to bond and re-bond one-step at a time.

Bonding through physical touching has been demonstrated to be a strong emotional and human need. Newborn babies who are held at birth develop stronger emotional ties to their parents. There are significant physiological differences between babies who are breast-fed and those that are bottle-fed.

In the same way sexual love is a powerful bonding force. It is like “super-glue” that bonds and holds two people together, ideally for life. That is why pre-marital sex is so dangerous and promiscuity is so damaging; Each time a sexual relationship is ended, the bond is ripped apart and each person is left wounded and bleeding emotionally.

The purpose of the sexual bonding process is to join the man and woman together for life and allow them to become “one flesh.” Neither the man or the woman are complete without the other. In Genesis, God made Adam and Eve in His image. When two people cleave together under God and truly become one flesh, the full image of God can be revealed!

Each member of the marriage will bring certain strengths and weaknesses into the marriage. Each one will bring spiritual gifts and ministries. When a man and a woman become one in spirit, soul and body, the glory of God can be revealed in their unity!
Several years ago, someone noticed that two Clydesdale horses could each pull 900 Lbs. by themselves. It was a logical assumption to suppose that together they could pull 1800 Lbs.

When they were yoked together, however, to everyone’s surprise they were able to pull 2700 Lbs.! It was as if there was an invisible horse pulling with them. That is the power of unity!
The same principle is true of marriage. When two people join all their strengths, abilities, gifts and talents together and become one, they not only double but they can triple their effectiveness! The man and the woman must “cleave” to one-another.

SUMMARY: The Bible teaches us that marriage requires that a man and a women leave their father and mother and cleave to one-another and become one flesh. Leaving involves both leaving their parental authority as well as unlearning negative patterns. Cleaving involves bonding physically, emotionally and spiritually with the spouse and making them the highest priority. The result of leaving and cleaving will bring two people to become one flesh and to reflect the image of God in their relationship.

Personal Inventory:

Are there areas that you have not completely left your parents?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Can you identify some family patterns that you have brought into your marriage from your childhood?

Are there any childhood patterns that you have as a couple that are in conflict?

______________________________________________________

On a scale of 0-10, how well do you feel that you are bonded as a couple?

Application:

• Discuss Genesis 2:24 with your mate. Why do you think that it is included in the very beginning of the Bible? Why is it repeated three times in the Bible? Compare the Genesis verse with the words of Jesus in Matt. 19:5 and Paul in Ephesians 5:31. Are there any significant differences?
• Go over the results of the personal inventory and discuss your responses with your mate. Discuss steps you may need to take to “leave” your parents. Discuss how your can continue to honor and love your parents without letting them negatively influence your relationship.
• Perhaps one of your parents has passed away, but their memory or some unforgiveness in your heart keeps you from letting go of them. Is there a possibility that you are transferring negative feelings from your parent to your spouse? What is your spouses opinion? If necessary, talk about this area with another mature couple.
• Give some thought about how you can make your spouse a higher priority in your life. Ask your mate if he/she feels like you are currently making them a priority.
• Print Genesis 2:24 on a 3×5 card and place in a visible area of your house. Try to memorize it.

Homework:
Go out on a date with your spouse. Go slowly through the steps of bonding, especially eye contact, conversation and holding hands. Spend a couple of hours “bonding.” DO NOT TRY TO RESOLVE ANY CONFLICTS! Just enjoy the bonding process!

1 BONDING: Relationships in the image of God – Dr. Donald M. Joy, PhD, WORD Publishing – 1995, Dallas, TX